Once upon a time, in a dimension of reality called false reality lives the brain of many. These minds are there for their unspoken reasons. Those who live in this reality try their best to peddle false narratives off as reality—in a way, bending the perception of others and creating a comfortable space that feels safe. Familiar. Loving. Kind. This feels good. You invite them into your personal space, your trademark brand of peace. One day, that person’s flaws begin to surface. You inform them about the changes you see and how they affect your situationship. The person seems to care but offends you again. And again. And again. The bliss of being comfortable comes to a screeching halt.

Comfort becomes discomfort. Trust begins to erode slowly. Belief in that person is shattered. Every incident leads to another discovery that you can’t believe is happening. With each discovery, something inside of you changes. Your understanding, love, patience, tolerance, and trust are depleted. You want answers. You want to know why this is happening. You search for the answers. You ask the questions. You get no response. Then the unexpected happens: this person pushes you to your limit again. You recall how often you have been down that path with them.

Sadly, the person who does this knows the rhyme and reason for the chaos. Even sadder, you fell into the madness with them, not knowing how reality and this person’s lies collided. You go through the usual emotions, and someone in your friend group or family suggests giving the person forgiveness. “You’re not doing it for them. You are doing this for yourself.” Time passes, and your anger fades. The aftermath left behind are thoughts of how this happened. How did I allow things to go too far? Could I have prevented this? And then, like a silent thief, ‘You know you got to forgive them, right? It’s not for them; it’s for me.’ And then, you forgive the person. Fast forward a few weeks, and the person you forgave has done the same BS that caused you to have to ignore them. Again. Now you feel foolish and start spouting out all the wrong that person did, even after you forgave them for each indiscretion you described. The rollercoaster of emotions begins all over again.

Forgiveness is taught to many of us as a way of easing and erasing the wrong someone has done. Saying the words I forgive you release the person of the guilt they may feel for treating you poorly, and your feelings go into hibernation. It shouldn’t be that way, but let’s face it: sometimes you feel that way. Honestly, I have felt that way plenty of times in my life. I found a solution that works for me: look at forgiveness as stages. Personally, I have three layers of forgiveness that I use: reflection, decisiveness, and acceptance.

1. Reflection

On the surface, reflection can be a mirror of sorts. You see what you have done, but your background is obscured because you focus only on yourself. Unfortunately, it would be best if you reflected on everything that happened to access the problem. Your point of view can sway you to overlook critical factors that caused the problem. My advice: look at the complete picture and don’t ignore your entire role in the issue. Once you have reflected on the situation's who, what, when, where, and whys, move on to step two. 

2. Decisiveness

Okay, now that you have the complete picture in view, you should be able to see if it's a recurring problem or just a random event. You will also be able to feel how the overall situation makes you think. Don’t run from those feelings. Acknowledge those feelings and decide where this friendship or relationship should stand. Once you have made the decision, move forward to step three. 

3. Acceptance

You have done all your eternal homework. Now you must put together steps one and two and accept that because of what happened, you must do what you decided to move forward on the path of forgiveness. Acceptance is a hard pill to swallow but to forgive genuinely; you must accept two things: the offender's decision to offend you (reflection) and your decision about your feelings (decisiveness). Stir them together and once you have genuinely accepted every inch of feelings regarding your decision, then move forward to forgiveness.  

Do not move forward to forgiveness if you cannot get over what the person has done. It’s not time yet, but don’t give up on a better you. Seek the advice of a trained and licensed therapist to help you on your path to forgiveness. Even if you are ready to move forward, seek a therapist. Talking to a therapist can help you put things together better. Look at it like this: you know more about them than they know about you in the beginning. You can feel free to talk to a therapist. Come back to this step once you are entirely ready to move forward.

I take these steps to minimize the blowback responses to my decision. I have to heal to forgive. I can’t and won’t advise anyone to appease a situation by forgiving someone before you are ready. Forgiveness is a method that requires lots of time, and you only know that timeframe, the offended. Take your time and think. Don’t rush to forgiveness just because your family, pastor, or friend told you to. And don’t rush to seek revenge just because of them and yourself. Don’t let your raw feelings commit a more profound offense that you cannot afford.