Marriage and Divorce

I needed to get out these thoughts but felt hesitant to do so. I continue to see how breakups and divorces are the trends nowadays. From celebrities to people who we are closest to are going through their different phases within their relationship. It’s quite unfair to both people going through the dissolution of their relationship to see or hear others chime in on what happened or what they assume is the reason for the breakup. It is already hard enough to decide to let go of a relationship, but it’s even harder when you hear different voices adding their opinions to the mix. It just adds more pressure to an already difficult situation, especially for marriages and, sadly, divorce. 

To help me make these words make sense, I will define the words marriage and divorce. This way, you can understand why my thought has been this way, along with other opinions I am emptying out. Merriam-Webster defines marriage as the state of being united as spouses in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law. They also define divorce as the action or an instance of legally dissolving a marriage. 

Unfortunately, I can admit that I believed others’ words for the longest time when it came to dissolving a relationship using the Bible as a reference point. Growing up in the church, I learned how marriages should last and the importance of a woman’s marriage role. The Bible speaks about marriage and divorce, but does not mandate marriage and, quite frankly, does not endorse marriage for all. Yes, the Bible tells of roles that the husband and wife should play, but the Bible also depicts how some unions have their differences and difficulties.

The Bible tells us stories starting with an individual. That individual’s character is slowly revealed, and we can read how they connected with others, especially with their significant other. We read how this relationship came together. Relationships are bonds we create with others. Those bonds vary from person to person, but it's there. Especially when you are in a romantic relationship, you find the one for you and want to spend as much time as you can with the person. He/she becomes your everything. You love everything about your significant other so much that you want to take the next step and make things official. Things go smoothly; you’re married to the love of your life. Happily ever after, right?

In most cases, yes, you find your brand of happily ever after in the person you choose to marry. Unfortunately, in some cases, your happiness is only temporary. The honeymoon phase of marriage wears off quickly, and things about the other person or you start revealing itself, and trouble begins in paradise. Couples blame each other for the breakdown of the marriage, arguments erupt, and negative creeps in as if it is in a queue. Some couples find ways to divert a disastrous end, while others head to court.

I mention all of this for a reason: some of us wind up pointing towards other couples and their marriages as go-to guides for marrying or remaining single. It’s great to have a model to work from, but also take into account that marriages work in various ways. It takes individual effort to maintain it. Using myself as an example, I can not expect my husband to change all of my flaws or swoop in and save the day each time I stumble. I can not expect my husband to accept me, with all my faults, and I am unwilling to do the same for him. I can not think that because the Bible says that my husband has to do everything outlined, simply because of the title I hold, which is his wife. 

I have to understand that everyone was created differently, and sometimes, people misrepresent themselves for various reasons. You may have thought you found your knight in shining armor, just to find out he is just Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Or the woman of your dreams becomes the evil creature from your nightmares. They switch personalities, and you are left trying to bring them back to your reality. When all of your efforts fail to get them back to the truth you are accustomed to, it causes great sadness. We want to believe in the worse in that person when honestly, signs showed you that the whole time.

You have to make the best decision that you can make concerning your relationship. Your past relationship isn’t the same as the present, no matter how hard you attempt to spin it that way. Your relationship is not the same as someone you know. You and your partner are the only ones pulling strings in the relationship. What and whomever you decide to bring into your relationship (telling your personal affairs to the outside world) is based on what you allow to happen within it.  Judge your feelings based on whether this is the way you want to live the remainder of your life. Make sure that what you are seeing and hearing matches. If your partner consistently makes promises that are easily broken, that should be your sign or guide on how the relationship status will be moving forward. 

Relationships have the potential to be great. We just have to make sure that we are finding the one that is true to us. Don’t be sad or feel embarrassed that you are going through a divorce or another divorce. Try to block out the naysayers as much as you can. Try to keep lies out of the mix and especially guard yourself against as much negativity as possible. I have been through breakups before, and trust, it is a challenging position. You have so many options floating around your head, and you want to make sure you are doing the best thing. 

Regardless of your current relationship status, don’t allow the outside whispers to affect you too much. I wish someone would have told me these things. Those whispers remain long after the relationship ends, and newer versions of the end will emerge. If it’s not, just laugh it off and add it to the list. If it’s true, learn to accept that part of you and grow from it. When you lessen your connections to the past, it decreases the control one may think they have over you.