Listen to Yourself
I recently faced an unavoidable decision, and I did not doubt myself. I know that this may not be an affliction that many of you suffer with or have had to suffer through, but self-doubt is one topic I did not know how to face. All I knew was that I had to find the root of it. Dig deeper, go as deep as you can until it can’t be broken down anymore. And that is what I did. I dug. I wanted to know why I doubted myself. That was a never-ending free fall that I thought I would never be able to answer.
Surprisingly, the answer came to me when I changed my website for the fall. I was thinking about changing some things and got lost reading some of my older posts. As I read, I was able to see a pattern. Then my aha moment happened: self-doubt was encoded in me during my childhood. Now let me throw in this disclaimer: I am not blaming anyone for the decisions that I have made in my adult life. I am only sharing a personal discovery that has led to growth for myself.
I remember telling my folks how I felt about my life being turned upside down due to them removing me from my great-grandparents. I was very vocal in respectfully expressing my feelings and was accustomed to being heard. That day, I was told that what I felt didn’t matter because I was a child and wasn’t grown. Shortly after, I felt under the weather and needed my inhaler. I remember going to my folks and asking for my inhaler. Sadly, my prescription had not been filled. I let it be known that I needed my inhaler or would be sick soon. I was told I would have my medicine when I got home from school. The next day, I felt worse but knew relief was coming at the end of the day.
Relief came… after passing out and was taken to the hospital. I was given the standard 5-star treatment during my hospital stay, but I felt different. I had to suffer not because I told someone but because no one was listening. Once I was strong enough, I ran away. I returned home three days later once the principal pulled me into her office. After that experience, I can recount numerous situations where a warning went unheard, and the preventable happened. It did not stop me from speaking my mind, but it did create a blanket of doubt that paralyzed me. I would see red flags and ignore them versus trusting my intuition.
It becomes easy for me to hear and listen to others. I have always told others to trust and believe in themselves, not understanding that I needed that advice. So, once I stumbled upon the clues, I decided to meditate on what I found. I discovered that my intuition has always been strong, but I refused to listen and give in to it entirely. I did not want to intrude on someone else’s feelings or plans was the excuse I disguised this behavior with. I had to realize that what I feel does matter and that continuing this path of self-discovery is necessary. I want to pass that on to you, the reader.
Life throws us curveballs constantly. Those curveballs are lessons that we can choose to learn from or not. But in the end, try to have faith in yourself when faced with self-doubt. Build on that faith and watch how your confidence, patience, and tolerance grow stronger. It might sound cliché, but you do got this.
